Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Depression and January

All of my bad feelings about everything are coagulating. I thought I would leave them safely behind in January but they followed me into February. They feel like a ball and chain. I can still move and kind of act normal but I feel them everywhere I go and I feel like everyone can see them, and people tell me it's so simple, all I have to do is unlock the thing from my ankle and walk away, and I get excited and think yes! That's all I have to do! And then later realize I don't have the key, don't know where to get it.

I feel like there's nowhere to go. I feel like I can't talk about it because at the heart of it all is an unintentional self-absorption based on fear. Even this post is "I, I, I." Andy gave me some good advice--find some kind of service to do, some way to get out of myself and think about and give to others. That's a start, but I don't know if it will get at the underlying problem.

5 comments:

kissy said...

i think it's more of a mangy cat that eventually gets the hint when you stop feeding it.
takes a while, and you have to get out of the habit of feeding it...
but eventually it goes away. but if you start putting out food again, sure enough, that little bitch starts coming back.

kissy said...

also, keep in mind that every now and then, even when you stop feeding it, the cat will visit just to see if you might start up again. sometimes it's tough to restrain, but the process becomes much faster as you practice it. :)

Miriam Latour said...

Hey Rachel!

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and are able to heal.

Don't be hesitant to get help from friends, family or even a professional. There is nothing wrong with having a shrink. I hear it's all the rage. I know that when I go in for therapy I feel pretty suave and debonair.

xo
Miriam

rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rachel said...

Thanks, babe. Thanks, Mir. You are both lovely. Feeling much better now. (Mir, I noticed you talked about gleaning on your profile. Have you seen Varda's "The Gleaners and I?" I think you would love it!)

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